I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
