I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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