I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
