I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
