cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
