God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
