Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
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