well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
