dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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