Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are the jesus of drinking
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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