and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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