I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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