Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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