I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
