I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
