What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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