is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
