I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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