Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
