I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
