It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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