Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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