If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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