i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
