No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
