woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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