Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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