I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
