I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
