so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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