He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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