I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I need moral support for this bender
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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