Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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