Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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