if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize