the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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