Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
