please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
