Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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