i love accidental penises.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
