My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
