you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
