Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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