is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
