I wish my penis had an off switch
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
