Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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