is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
