I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
