we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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