I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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