Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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