I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
