The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
