she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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