Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
