check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
