i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
