We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
