It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
