Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
