I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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