meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
