I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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