one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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