I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
