Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
