I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
