Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
