I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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