apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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