no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We talked him into tasing himself.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
