I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize