This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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