Your face is a jimmy john
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
