Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
